A Very Divorcee Valentine's Day
Ah Valentine’s Day. The day we honor St. Valentine, the patron saint of conversation hearts. For reasons not known to me, it’s one of my favorite holidays of the year. As someone perhaps a little late to marriage in relation to my other friends, and also someone newer to divorce in relation to my other friends, it seems like it definitely shouldn’t be one of my favorite holidays. But this year, I am embracing the Divorcee Valentines Day. Side note...I love the word divorcee. It makes me feel like I should wear black and fabulous hats with feathers sticking out of them and also have a certain air of mystery to my persona and a haughty laugh. However, I’m usually sans hat due to my ponytail addiction, I wear every color of the rainbow (according to color analysis I’m a late Spring and should definitely not be doing this), and I’m a friggin’ open book with a slightly nerdy laugh.
But I digress. The colors of Valentines Day, the hearts, the rom coms, the candies…they all just do it for me. Nostalgia hits hard as you remember picking out the perfect Valentine’s cards for everyone—your friends, the boys you had a crush on, and of course, your mortal enemies. The boys would get an extra "U R COOL" candy heart sticker, hoping they’d somehow decode the subtle hint and realize you liked them. As for the enemies? They’d get the blunt “FUCK RIGHT ON OFF” sticker, no hidden messages required.
To my ultimate dismay, the holiday has changed significantly in the school setting, with parents going hard on Pinterest and curating Valentines Day assortments that would make Martha Stewart pee her pants in ecstasy. Each year, I go through the treasure trove of goodies brought home by my boys and am immediately ashamed by my cheap cards, the fact that I didn’t enroll them in calligraphy lessons prior to addressing said cards, lack of innovation and just general mediocrity. At the same time, I also can’t help but to judge the parents that clearly put the friggin' MOMA worthy Valentines together and the sleepless days and nights that must have ensued.
In lieu of treats, crafts and games have become the focal point, there being an influx of kids today that are allergic to red dye 40, sugar, wheat, and other things that I generally consider worth living for. I volunteered for the second grade game last year and brought in Valentines Bingo, where obviously each kid won a shitty prize. I’d say starting with Gen Z and working your way back, everyone now gets a prize. There are no winners, no losers. Just….nothingness.
You would have thought the prizes I was giving out were akin to Oprah giving out new cars to her audience. Lots of fighting, crying, begging for more, asking for trades as they eyeballed what their friends got. “Are you leaving school today with more prizes than you came with?” I ask. “YES,” they pant, mouths foaming and eyes maniacally glinting over the heart shaped erasers. “Then it’s a pretty good day, isn’t it?” I ask without any hint of guilt or remorse over their emotions. I haven’t been asked back. Meanwhile, my friend Kara who was helping with the craft was asked by the school to be a permanent substitute teacher.
As for how I’ll be celebrating this year? I plan on going to a newly divorced friend’s house and painting things like “DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY!” all over the wood paneled walls in her soon to be renovated house. But I’ll be wearing a pink sweater and heart shaped earrings. What a time to be alive and in love, friends! Happy Valentine’s Day to you and whoever you love!