Perimenopausal Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Perimenopause. The thing that everyone my age is going through (apparently) but doesn’t talk about. Well, that shit’s about to change!
Lately my Instagram algorithms have been savvy to the fact that perimenopause is something that I’m very interested in.
It started innocently enough. Little stiff hairs sprouting on my chin. No worries, that gives me something to work on in the car. Make it a handlebar moustache for all I care…my commute is certainly long enough to tackle that!
Then my hair began to fall out quite a bit. Shit. Take a biotin pill, rub rosemary oil in my hair. Should I look at getting that hair paint for your scalp? No, we’re not there yet. I’ll have to meet with Brian Urlacher to get some advice at some point, but today is not that day.
The brain fog is incredibly real. I will walk into a room about 4x a day and ask, “why am I here?” And not in the fun existential way. The way that means I was surely doing something and had a purpose for entering this room and now I can’t remember at all. I’m constantly at a loss for words. I’ve started forgetting my friend’s maiden names and how old I am. Fine. I’ll just keep meticulous lists that say things like “get mail out of mailbox” and “remember you have children.”
I wake up at least twice a night. Not only because the dogs apparently have the bladders of a two-year-old, but I do as well. Great! I’ll just cut off my water supply at 7 pm every night and wake up impossibly dehydrated (yet 1-2 lbs lighter).
That 1-2 pounds sadly doesn’t even matter because the weight accumulation in my mid-section has become epic. And no, it doesn’t matter what I eat. The protein shakes stick the same as a plate of nachos. It’s a beautiful time to be alive really.
And then there’s the inexplicable fury that I have for about 10 minutes at a time, three days a week. It’s a rage that makes me want to break everything in the house or sit in a closet in cry. Okay cool, I’ll up my Zoloft intake and keep it all inside like a MAN.
Basically, I’m taking a million supplements a day. Do I need more testosterone or estrogen? I don’t know, whatever Instagram tells me I need I take. Creatine, Magnesium, Colostrum, Vitamin D. The only good thing about this is that I take them all in gummy form, so its like eating fruit snacks 4x a day. Everything points to giving up alcohol, but I choose to ignore that advice and stick to the
“a glass of red wine a day is good for your heart” school of thinking. Perimenopausal girls just wanna have fun after all!
Yeah, you could really say I’m in my hot girl era.
Menopause is coming. It’s imminent. I asked my mom what it’s like and she said she has no recollection of anything ever being different. A total lie of course. I remember her being a total bitch for about a year. But I’ll let her believe that. What is it about the Boomer generation that refuses to talk about menopause!? I have to believe that anything is better than this current state of affairs.
Cheers to all you women that are going through the same thing. We got this!